because youre worth it

this is a side note from my last post. i was just talking to one of my best friends about "self worth" and wondering, at which point is someone worthy of you, or are you worthy of someone? like if you ever think so highly of someone and say 'im not good enough for them' then who are you good enough for? doesnt that kind of imply that anyone else that you are good enough for is you settling for less than your own self worth?

"I'm just a guy in a coffee shop"

I was on Plenty of Fish for the hell of it. I was not expecting to actually meet cool people and learn from them. I only went on 2 dates before I deactivated my account, and I think that was more than enough.

I was thrown off by J. He offered to pay for my drink. Then 2 hours into the conversation, he said it was time for another drink, “wanna grab it for me?” It wasn’t even in a rude or demanding way. It was so weird, like he talked to me as if I was a human who just had to reciprocate the favor. There was no power imbalance.

I cried that night after I met J. Either because my period is coming –or that I have never encountered an enlightened individual like him. I wasn’t even in love, I was/am just infatuated. I'm pretty sure he was Jesus. I think it was also borderline guilt that brought me to tears because I was ready for a sarcastic and condescending conversation with a 29-year-old lawyer and wanted to grill him about being single because of the pompous vibes he gave over text. He was not. He was one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. I was still so skeptical and he did the ultimate move to sell his trust: he handed me his car keys and said, “you can get my camera from my car.” And I said “what if I just run with it” and in the back of my mind knew that he was very well off to have that amount of confidence in a stranger, or was just really good at reading people.

He took time out of his day, regardless if he was bored or not, and he brought his camera. He thought out a plan to teach me the basics of how to use a camera. He said to meet at 3:20pm (which was fucking bizarre) but then explained to me that we were supposed to grab coffee then head down to the beach and he would give me a photography lesson as the sun would set. But I didn’t bring my camera because I didn’t think he would follow through. I was so wrong. He knew his shit. If I had all of that knowledge, I would probably give someone the corny “follow your heart” advice and tell them to google the rest. And I genuinely feel like I’m a good person. And I genuinely feel like I’m better than 99% of the world because I do have access to so many resources. My sister and I laugh at the first world problems we have, but at the end of our day, we bathe in serenity, thinking that we deserve these good things because we are good people. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself, and being a “good” person is so subjective and relational. But as of yesterday, and from my own definition of “good,” I am not good.

J was a good guy. I thought I had my shit down, I have back ups for my back ups and I flaunt my degree around like the pretentious douchebag that I am. Literally the first minutes of bantering we had was me just saying I didn’t buy his accomplishments, I didn’t buy that he did his undergraduate degree in Microbiology then went to Law school, then was just volunteering with autistic children meanwhile awaiting to do his Masters in Physiotherapy. And I told him, if I had been in his position, I would have rolled up those pieces of paper and carried them everywhere I went and fanned myself with them. And only now I realize that my disbelief was because he was real. And some people (myself, so very included) manage their identities by creating this optimal image of us, bringing forth our best qualities, suppressing the bad ones. I’m a poser and I’m a fake. But he was raw and real. This is completely how I see the world –through comparisons. And I’ve been told numerous times not to compare myself to others, but I just feel like it’s inevitable. I wouldn’t know who I was unless I looked at the people around me. If I looked at myself in comparison to myself, then yes, I have improved drastically over the past 10 years, but I wouldn’t be who I am without comparing myself to others. My friend H who I was speaking to after the date said, “and we're just students with almost-done degrees and going to Celebs on Tuesday. Hayyyyy.” What am I doing with my life. Don’t get me wrong, my life’s decent and think I’m not doing too bad, but I just had coffee with my once hypothetical definition of “success.” J didn’t have his life figured out, yet he wasn’t off track –and that is just so poetic to me.  

There’s just something so cyclical about life that gives me goose bumps, it makes me wonder why we’re just not all in it to help each other. Maybe he had figured that out already. He was explaining the three main things you need to know about the camera: ISO, Aperture, and Shutter Speed –they all work together, trying to take the best photo, however at the expense of the other. I couldn’t help but compare this to real life. He was also explaining to me the difference between a zoom lens and a fixed lens. I was basking in his analogies; as if he knew that that’s the best way I learn things. Then he compared a fixed lens to an individual who was good at one thing and specialized at that. Or a zoom lens that was good at a lot of things but not a master in one. I ponder between these two types of individuals. I want to do everything, I want to try everything, because lol, hashtag yolo. My father really wanted to us to be successful children and really emphasized on grabbing every opportunity in order to be well rounded. But that’s the thing about being well rounded, is that at the end of the day, you’re really not a master in one thing. And that’s kind of depressing.

I guess he sensed the genuine conceit that I was giving off. The last couple things he said to me were that it was great that I have an education and learned a shit ton about the world and are frustrated, but I don’t remember how he phrased it but it was so perfect. Basically he said, you’re not better than everyone, you don’t need to wave your paper around. And for the first time, I was like wow, I’m not and I don’t need to. I just bought a camera because I just wanted to wave around an expensive piece of plastic and glass. He taught me that it’s so much more than that. And I think now I understand why it cost me $700 because of the precise physics and how it was a product of the advancements in technology. And not because so I could have a subtle way to wave around $700 #materialculture. 

I am just 22 anyway. A lot will happen over 7 years. I thought I could just get by just sitting there, having the men swoon over my cute face and unending youthful charisma as I low key condescendingly laughed at their unfunny jokes. I joke with my friends that I’m a gold digging fiend and won’t settle for anything less than a six-figured man (not really a joke). When J and I parted, he drove away in his Mercedes. I lolled to myself because it didn’t even matter. I thought to myself that his car, for the first time, was less valuable than the time I just had with him. So thank you J, I hope to be as brilliant and ambitious as you. Maybe I’m naïve and maybe he was a serial killer who spared my life. All I know is that was the first time where the other person I was talking to was not conforming to societal expectations, or spoke with no double meanings, or was trying to be someone he wasnt. It really was just 2 people talking in a coffee shop. 

22 year old 5'0 Asian Libra

i am petrified with the fact that my 'About Me' section reduced to one sentence: 'a 22 year old 5'0 Asian Libra.' i would say the majority of the messages i get are regarding my ethnicity and ive gotten a couple of 'hola's' and 'asian babe/queen/etc.' i cant put myself on a dating website without my ethnicity being the central part of why people are attracted to me. im starting to wonder, is this just a low key extension of the real world? (just within a super concentrated, small biased sample of men who have specific personalities to be able to put themselves online in the first place). you dont see men in vancouver (maybe) yelling 'im only into short asian girls!!!!!' yet its okay to specify that in your 'About Me' on a dating website. i guess its because its such a simplified version of one's self that all you really do look at is the photo of the individual of which you would ignorantly rely on stereotypes.
my height is also a popular ice breaker, perhaps thats also related to stereotypes.

i had messaged one guy about photography and congratulated him on the many gigs he landed. i was thrown off by his reply: 'i dont usually go for asians, but you look pretty sexy. dont be discouraged haha.' what does that even mean. youre making an exception for me? im so happy i opened your mind --but i only date up front racists, dont be discouraged haha. asshole.

i almost threw up when i got a message from a 35 year old man who said: 'hi are you filipino? I'm a registered nurse, were you born in canada? would you like to go out for coffee?' and he messaged me numerous times after that over a few weeks with simple 'youre sexy' and 'please ill take you for dinner' messages --arrite dude, im sold. that amalgamation of stereotypical bullshit you just threw at me was just so completely relevant. stop it. youre creepy and i hate you.

'your name is armileen? what ethnicity is that?' 'lol its canadian.' #truestory

i always feel weird going back into the real world when i log off. i guess i still feel like i have that one sentence description strapped onto my back, its just never been actualized through words.

i put myself on the dating website out of boredom and for kicks. but as an anthropology and psychology student who is constantly analyzing people, it was just so rich with information that it turned into an uncontrolled social experiment (lol sorry #ethics). youre putting yourself up for sale. its not whoever is actually the most 'accomplished,' or 'best looking' (though very advantageous, as in any other context), but whoever can describe themselves in the most efficient manner --word choice is so key. the 'winners' are those whoever can transfer the best representation of one's self onto a different social platform (cue Erving Goffman). can you sell yourself in one message, successfully get a reply from the other party, and be able to carry on a smooth conversation. its essentially a test of ones interview skills and ability to hold a conversation through text.

i just deleted my account the other day to focus on finals because it seemed to be just an addictive escape from reality (also i was pimpin way too hard). it was a huge ego booster, got lots of lols, been in contact with super cool people, and ive never been so accepting of my height in my entire life. if there was one thing that ive taken away from this experience is that the value of my education and passion for photography and the fine arts simply just falls short from the value of my height. and that kinda sucks.